94 Years of Wisdom | Nerd Fitness

Last week, I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.

Let me tell you about this amazing woman.

Barbara, Auntie B, or Gramma to us grandchildren, was born in 1930 to first generation Newfoundlanders.

(No wonder I love the music of thatAlan Doylethat (and thatGreat Big Seathat), it’s in my DNA!)

Gramma has been a preschool teacher for 22 years and has been an active member of her community throughout her life. She is a heck of a quilter and has helped launch many quilting initiatives over the years. She volunteers at the Council on Aging. He also often drives for Meals on Wheels, “delivering meals to the elderly” (as he calls it), which he does at age 80!

During past visits to Massachusetts, I would go to Gramma’s one afternoon, always checking my phone, always distracted by some trivial task that was occupying my brain. I think I’ve known her all my life, I just think of it as “Gramma will always be here, and Gramma will always be here.”

Fortunately, I found an ancient Japanese concept that helped me identify and correct this pattern. It has made all my recent visits to Gramma so different.

Ichi-go Ichi-e Once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

There is a concept that dates back to Japanese tea ceremonies in the 1600s called ichi-go ichi-e:

It translates to: “a time, a meeting.”

It is a reminder for us to cherish and embrace each irrevocable moment of time. No matter how often we do or see a person, it is only time it actually happens in this way, on this time.

This concept reminds us to be more present.

• Instead of checking our phones, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
• Instead of worrying about tomorrow or zoning out, we can be here today.
• Instead of going through the motions, we can be more intentional about our behavior.

I’ve been meditating a lot on Japanese Zen philosophy over the past few years (thatsee my essay about Wabi-Sabithat), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e also stuck with me.

Which brings me to my trips to visit Gramma this summer.

I stopped worrying about the future or thinking about the past, put my phone down, and just sat with him.

I treat each visit as if it were only time I get that interaction.

I asked him about his childhood. I learned that he spent several summers living in a tent without running water or electricity, while his father built their house with his own two hands. And what he is loved it.

He told me about his teenage years, including the time he left the house and was caught, and had to sit at the foot of his parents’ bed until sunrise.

I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared photos of her wedding that I haven’t seen before:

He also found some photos of me and him from back in the day!

These are my favorites:

I moved back to Nashville last month, not sure when (or if) I would see him again.

It still feels different. I have a deeper connection with Gramma in a few visits than in probably the last 10 years combined.

Which brings me to this past week in the hospital.

Gramma’s community

Last week, my brother and I drove to visit Gramma in the hospital every day.

And every day, a revolving door of visitors would show up to check on him:

His nephews. My uncle and father. My sister and mother (who just had surgery!). His grandchildren. Son of his best friend. Her friend Anne. Friends from the Council on Aging. Fellow quilters. People from his church.

At one point, there were 10 of us visiting at the same time, and it turned into a full party.

I am in awe of this woman and how many lives she has impacted.

If there’s one clear sign of a good life, it’s being surrounded by people who love you. Gramma was selfless for most of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by the many people who dropped everything to come and spend time with her, share stories and be with her.

Despite the circumstances, he still has a good sense of humor:

The first time he opened his eyes and saw me, he smiled and said, “I remember another story!” He then told me about the time he “borrowed” a car, even though he didn’t have a license, to drive through the streets of Boston to track down his girlfriend.

While on the phone with his 94 year old brother-in-law, he asked “how are you, old geezer?”

When the doctor asked “are you feeling better now?” he replied “better than WHAT!”

Spending time with Gramma and all the people from different parts of her life felt like the best use of my time. I fell in love with the community he surrounded himself with, and I was always moved to tears by the love so many people had for him.

This point was driven home by my “neighbor” at Gramma’s hospital…

Living Intentionally

The hospital where my Gramma lived was right next to Walden Pond, the pond made famous by Henry David Thoreau in his book. thatWaldenthat.

One day, after visiting Gramma, I went for a quiet walk around it, watching the sunset light dance on the trees.

(The Japanese have a word for this too, it’s called “komorebi”.)

Then I read the sign with Thoreau’s most famous reflection:

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to face only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it would, and would not, teach me when I died. , discover that I did not live. .”

Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.

Gramma went in a different direction, prioritizing what was most important to her: family, friends, and community.

Two different scenarios, same result:

Choosing to live intentionally.

I have no plans to move to the woods and live simply, but I think I’ve done my best to live more intentionally these past years.

Specifically, re-prioritizing what matters most to me: friends, family, and community.

All We Need To Decide…

A few years ago, Gramma presented my brother, sister, and me with three of her favorite handmade quilts.

“I was supposed to give it to you grandchildren after I die, but I want to give it to you now so we can enjoy this moment together.”

She took the time to explain the meaning behind each quilt and why it was chosen for each of us. I am so grateful that she did this, rather than waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after she finished.

When I visited Gramma this summer, I discovered that she had printed my essay thatabout my grandfather, her husband, who diedthat. I hope I made Grampy proud, but I realize I never told him what I learned from him before he died.

For that reason, I am writing this essay today to make sure that he knows what he is teaching me. I am very proud of my Gramma and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).

(I got a text from my dad yesterday letting me know he read this draft to him at the hospital and he loved it. Mission accomplished!)

I really hope Gramma gets better and comes home. After all, he told his friend Laurie “I’m not done yet!”

But I also know that this is not our decision.

As Gandalf told Frodo The engagement ring:

“All we have to do is decide what to do with the time we’ve been given.”

I hope my Gramma and Thoreau inspire you to live more intentionally:

• When you’re ready to put down your phone and being with the people in front of you, life can feel richer.
• If you are willing to prioritize what is truly important instead of things trying to steal your attention, you can’t go wrong with the choices you make.
• If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifethey will still be a part of it when you are 94.

And finally remember, no matter what you do now, this is the only time IT moment happens.

Act accordingly.

-Steve

PS: If you want a thought-provoking film about the present and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I recommend Wim Wenders’s thatPerfect Daysthat.